SPORK WAR Part I

A blink into the future…

By Charles Childers


Part I.

Start of the Spork War was not heralded by a flash point. No battalions of storm troopers crossed the border nor raided the border villages or towns. No, the war was in full fury and nobody really noticed. Like wind and rain erosion, no one noticed, and no one really cared until, BAM! there was the Grand Canyon.

Gun ownership in the US had been under attack for many years. Machine guns and crew served weapons were outlawed in the 1930’s as a reaction to “bootleggers” and organized crime that grew-up as an unintended consequence of “prohibition”. Yes, one could still own a machine gun, if one paid the $10,000.00 license fee, and agreed to allow unannounced and warrantless search of the property wherein the machine gun was kept. High fees and surrendering basic rights were too high a price for law abiding citizens beyond the serious gun collector, museums, and legitimate gun dealers. Criminals did not care. They paid no fees. Allowed no property searches. The guns became both a necessary part of their arsenal and sign of their power and resistance to authority.

Further erosion of citizens’ rights to own and use firearms came slowly. Banned concealed carry (unless specifically licensed). Banned pistols with magazines of more than 10 rounds. Banned all assault-type weapons. Required owners to undergo background checks before buying a firearm. All these small steps were in well-meaning reaction to community events, mass shootings at schools, malls, and concert venues. All these right thinking and well-meaning legislative constraints would eventually cause a fire storm of “unintended consequence” which would cause the implosion of the society they were intended to protect.

Tipping point for all these laws and restraints came not as a result of another mass fatality, rather as a politically motivated over reaction that caused the capitol of Washington DC to be closed and sealed off with fences, barbed wire, and National Guard troopers. As a single political party consolidated power. Their specific agenda came into focus. The agenda was to eliminate all possible challenges to their emergent power.

Citizen access to weapons that could possibly challenge their administration necessitated elimination. First, they closed off access to purchase of any firearm without a “background” evaluation which included psychological analysis. No “private sales” were allowed. All sales must be through a “Federally licensed” firearm dealer. The dealer licenses were only allowed to be held by persons who actively supported the political party and administration’s agenda. Slowly, ownership requirements became more stringent.

Eventually all firearms to citizens were outlawed. To prove the “rightness” of this legislation statistics on murder rates by firearms showed a definite drop across the country. Murder rates other than by firearms of course showed a dramatic up-tick. These statistics were at first ignored by the administration. As were statistics showing dramatic increases in home invasion robberies (up 174% in the first month) because citizens were no longer allowed firearms and the criminal element kept theirs.

The “unintended consequence”, of disarming the body politic, became a boon of easy pickings for scofflaws who used their kept weapons to prey on the public. Drastic and dramatic inflation of criminal activities in turn led to even more restrictive laws against ownership or



control of firearms. It became illegal to own, keep, use, or brandish any, and all firearms. Police and the military had to relinquish all such weaponry. The laws tightened up to include all mechanisms which could project, launch, propel or otherwise cause a projectile to travel away from said mechanism towards a target. That would include everything from a BB gun to bows and arrows, crossbows, slingshots, and all firearms.

Taking another step, all such mechanisms are to be confiscated, collected, and destroyed forthwith. Beginning with regular citizens. Once it is established (or believed) that all such weapons held by civilians have been captured and destroyed, then all police forces will surrender and have destroyed their weapons. Following destruction of police force weapons, the military including reserve units, national guard units, and active, duty units, will surrender and have destroyed their weapons.

Taken out of context this seems absurd and extreme. The context in which we find these measures are a society in which all police forces are reduced in size and scope of operations. Courts have held that crimes against property will not be prosecuted unless in amounts greater then $5,000 per incident. Arrested persons will not be held for bail, they are released on their own recognizance at time of arraignment. Beyond this, the stated US Foreign Policy is to be a kinder gentler nation posing no threat to our friends. The US in this context has no enemies. An unarmed military cannot pose a threat. Of course, the “unintended consequence” is a nation defenseless, a citizenry without police protection, criminal elements without fear of prosecution for their actions. A recipe for disaster exists.

In truth, as weapons are destroyed and fewer are available to any person or group, murder by these mechanisms drops. Murder rates over all remain about the same. Blunt force trauma, knife attacks, poison (gas and solid, and fluid), arson, and every other creative way to hurt, maim, and kill grew exponentially. Mass murders increased. Attacks against schools, shopping malls and entertainment venues increased. Attacks against transportation systems really increased.

Laws were enacted to outlaw anything that could be used for “blunt force”. This included baseball bats, hockey sticks, wrenches, tools, chairs, and stools. All such items became controlled substances. Team sports needing such items were either banned or could be played under highly controlled circumstances. Items like baseball bats could be checked out from the controlled cage only by “certified” controllers. To ensure the controllers could be trusted, they needed background checks and specified training provided by the Federal Government. Additional laws tried to eliminate or at least control the ownership and use of edged weapons, poisons, and other apparently hazardous items.

Table ware, knives, forks, spoons made of metal were specifically prohibited to use, to own, to make. In their place the government authorized only the use of the SPORK for eating.

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